I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
