I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
