Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
