I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
