honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
