Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
