Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize