You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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