theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
