its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
