i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
