I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
