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im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
