just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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