what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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