New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
