JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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