it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
