At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
