so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
