I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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