Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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