i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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