I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
