I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
