Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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