Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We have started to decorate penises.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Randomize
