I hope mine doesn't look like that
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
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