I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
