True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize