The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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