that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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