watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
