i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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