a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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