The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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