all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
