Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
