sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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