really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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