Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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