I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
