i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
