But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
