Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
