im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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