It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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