____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
40s are totally the cure
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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