Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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