your parents love me but you hate me
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
