and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
