I must be too annoying 4 u.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
