oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize