At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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