u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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