Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
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