look no pants
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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